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how to resolve a fight

by / Tuesday, 03 November 2015 / Published in Blog

My heart pounded. My body quivered. I felt heat rising in my chest and a knot in my stomach.

You are safe. All is well. Stay in your heart. Stay open. I repeated over and over to myself.

I sat in my car outside the building. Ten minutes until I would walk in to a meditated conversation with a sister who I had a falling out with a couple years ago.

I was scared of myself. Would I blow up? Would we remain in a stalemate because I couldn’t budge from my point of view?

I’m bigger than my ego. It’s time to resolve it. It’s time to soften. I know how to do this.

I continued to breathe, softening in my body.

If I’m going to walk my walk and be a stand for sisterhood in the world, then I need to clean up my messes. I need to restore my integrity and resolve this conflict.

I think this is the biggest piece for any coach, any healer, any leader: have your life be in alignment with your work.

Be the example.

The world needs us women to heal the sisterhood wound. To come together in harmony. No matter what it takes.

It does not work to brush it under the rug as I have done for almost two years, pretending like all is well. It does not work to say “oh well, this person just isn’t in alignment with me” and cut her out the way I did.

That’s not the truth.

The truth is Love. Oneness. Connection. Harmony.

No excuses.

No
“I need to maintain my boundaries” or
“this energy doesn’t serve me” or
“this person is unhealthy”.

We are all one. We are all mirrors. Whenever you point the finger, there are 4 fingers pointing back at yourself.

I believe that anything is possible inside of communication. And that’s why I am sharing our step-by-step process for conflict resolution.


Lean in

Plain and simple: you have to be bigger than your ego and lean into love. You can feel the anger, frustration and resentment, but know that hurt and sadness is underneath. Follow that and reach out. Stop being stubborn. You are suffering even if you say “I’m over it.”

I sent a text to her that said:

Hi there, I would love to meet and clean up our relationship. It’s time. We’ve been cordial without acknowledging the wedge that’s still there. It feels out of alignment with who we both are as feminine leaders to not be in affinity and harmony with one another. Let me know if you are open to meet tomorrow or sometime this week ❤️

Put down your sword and shield and write something that calls forth the other person’s higher consciousness.

Get a third party

There is no way you can navigate a highly charged conversation by yourself. Chances are it will end poorly, even worse than before. So if both you and the other person are willing to lean in and have the conversation, ask a professional to mediate. Not a friend. Not a family member. Someone who knows how to hold space and does this type of facilitation for a living.

Talk about your feelings

The first thing we did was close our eyes and each share what we were feeling in our bodies. We acknowledged sadness, upset and frustration. It helped us soften before going in to the story.

Share empathy

After the first person shared her experience, the facilitator asked for the other person to share empathy. We did a pass/fail. Did it resonate?

I was the first to share empathy. I’ll be honest, all I wanted was to share my side of the story and be heard, but I held back and got into her world. It took 3 times before she felt validated and seen.

Then it was my turn to share my experience and have her give empathy.

Something shifted in the space.

Make sure you are both complete

Don’t leave it anything is still in the space. Make sure both parties get to share until there is nothing left unsaid.

Ease back in

This doesn’t mean we have to rush back into a friendship. But my intention is to slowly ease back in. To call her and ask to go to tea or a walk to reconnect.

+++

Look at your relationships. Have you cut someone off? Are you disconnected from an old friend?

Now is the time for us to bring back the harmony. And you don’t have to do it on your own.

Remember, all we want is to be loved, seen and heard. All of us.

One Response to “how to resolve a fight”

  1. Izzi says : Reply

    Tanya,

    This couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I am a professional mediator and hold the space for people to talk about lots of stuff. The last few months (well 3 years) things with my executive director came to a head. I finally stood up for myself and said I wasn’t going to allow him to talk to me unprofessionally…well…here we work in conflict resolution,and we can’t even talk to each other. I have been holding onto my righteous indignation and all that does is keep me feeling miserable. I have requested a mediation with some really good mediators who are neutral. It’s not for another week so somehow I have to make peace and come with a perspective of love and that he is my mirror. I am not sure what I want from our discussion…in my heart of heart, I think I am ready to leave my position and move onto something new. However, I want to leave with peace and goodwill. I have never ended a job on a bad note and I don’t want to start. Having been a mediator for almost 4 years , I believe in the process. so I will suit up and show up and try to have an open heart and see the reflection of me. Thanks for giving me space to speak my peace. Namaste’ izzi

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