The answers all lie within. But we don’t trust. We allow guilt, shame, doubt, and fear make decisions for us that are not in our highest good.

I’ve recently taken on a practice of checking in on whether or not I am a HELL YES. And the more I cultivate this practice, the quicker the answer comes out of my mouth.

In the book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell talks about the power of thinking without thinking. That our gut reaction is usually correct, but our mind has us doubt it.

What I’ve been doing is trying to force in a very masculine way to make things “work”, usually at the expense of my wellbeing. I then have resentment, overwhelm, frustration and anger come up because I said yes to something I was really a no to.

To give an example, John asked me if it would be ok if he missed our Monday night class that we co-lead together. He had to get up early for a flight the next morning and still had a video to create for the conference he was going to.

My immediate gut reaction was no. So I spoke that. I said, “My truth is no, yet I know you want me to say yes. I’m open to exploring how I could get to yes to support you.”

Here’s the process I went through:

1) Speak the immediate gut feeling.

It didn’t sit right with me. I knew that it would be helpful for him and he had already communicated with the group that he was going to miss the class so they weren’t expecting him. I checked in with myself: was this me just wanting to see him before he left? No, I was ok with just talking by phone to say goodbye. This was something deeper.

2) Seek to understand the other point of view.

What did he really need? He needed more time. So I looked at what I could compromise around. Instead of him picking me up and us going together, he could just meet me there at 7pm and if he wanted, he could leave at 9pm even though we ended class at 9:30pm.

3) Share vulnerably any triggers that come up and create partnership to create a win win.

The more I looked within and fully analyzed the situation and talked it out with him, I realized the “no” was coming from my exhaustion. I needed the support. I usually act like I’ve got it all together and deny myself the support I need to please the other person. I shared that I really didn’t have the energy to hold the space by myself and he responded: “I’ve got your back baby.” I checked in with him and offered to grab him food on my way to make it easier for him.

Bottom line, I was open to exploring how I could get to yes and trusted the process. And the answer was still no.

This is the feminine way. Why force it? To prove our self-worth. But I got that I am worthy of receiving the support I need and holding John accountable to his word. It strengthened our bond, which is usually the reason I say yes to please and avoid confrontation or a fight.

The more we can trust our gut and speak it, the more trust we can create in our relationships.

We want to hear from you: Do you have a hard time trusting your gut? Do you say yes when you really meet no? Share your insights and experience in the comments below.

Love this article? It comes from my book Open Your Heart, Tell The Truth, Change The World. Stay tuned for details on the upcoming book launch.

I no longer hold that belief to be true or valid.

The past two weeks, I was in a contracted state. I was emotional, exhausted and felt out of alignment. Even though I had three amazing events happening in three different cities (so much to celebrate and have gratitude for!), I felt dark and heavy. It felt like the world’s weight was on my shoulders and I would collapse at any moment. I couldn’t breathe. I felt suffocated.

Doing what I always did, I called people to process. I got into communication.

I wanted so desperately to shift things, to change the way I was feeling.

I wanted to feel better, lighter, happier, freer.

I wanted something to change.

I resisted being where I was at, which was at a contracted, low point.

I completely collapsed and had an emotional breakdown on Sunday morning. I sat there curled in a ball in my bed while three of my sisters held space for me. I feared I would lose my relationship in my “monster” state. I feared I could no longer hold the space. I feared I couldn’t handle my responsibilities.

All my money concerns came up.

All my relationship concerns came up.

All my triggers came up.

I realized I was not someone I wanted to be around and certainly didn’t want to burden anyone else with. Can you relate?

And yet, I was so needy! I craved connection. I craved intimacy. I craved attention. Mainly because my cup was empty and I wanted someone else to fill it when I realized I needed to take time and space to fill it myself.

And then it hit me:

No one was going to help me.

No one was going to save me.

No one was going to fix and change me.

There was nothing wrong with me. I had to just allow myself to be. I had to sit in the contraction by myself and breath through it and take care of myself.

Self-love is not something to do. It is simply allowing yourself to be and loving all parts of yourself.

When I’m in contraction, it’s time to go within. It’s time to regroup and recharge my battery on my own.

As a visionary pisces, I LOVE to create. I thrive when I’m in creation. I’m addicted to it. So I want to always be in the expansion state.

When I’m in a contraction state, I’m not in my creative. So it feels like the ultimate low and really dark. I want it to go away and will do everything in my power to force myself back to creative expansion.

But the law of nature is to ebb and flow, expand and contract, inhale and exhale, flow.

Birth and death, light and dark, creation and destruction.

In and out.

This is harmony. This is balance. Not being in the even keel middle, but allowing the extremes to pass through. Because it always passes. It is all impermanent.

I’m back in expansion and in my flow. Creating the next thing, on the phone, in communication.

Practically speaking, here are some guidelines to honor the flow in your life and move more gracefully from contraction to expansion:

1) The only way to do it gracefully is to fully allow the process! Stop resisting. Stop forcing. Stop wishing you were on the other side where the grass is greener.

2) when in contraction, create safety through boundaries for yourself and others. Communicate that you will be out of communication and in your process and will get back in touch when you come back to expansion.

It’s not about checking out, but being responsible for the impact on others. To live in community, we must have conscious awareness of one another. It does not serve the community for you to check out and go MIA. But it does serve the community to let them know where you are in your flow and how to interact appropriately.

3) When in contraction, fill your cup. Journal. Walk in nature. Swim. Take bubble baths. Go to bed early. Sleep. Sleep some more. Give yourself a break and don’t work so hard. And most importantly, accept the process.

4) When in contraction, don’t dump on everyone, especially your partner. John and I realized that when I’m in contraction, it’s best for us to spend less time together. While I resisted this at first, I realized that I get super co-dependent which drains him.

5) Notice your cycles. Pay attention to if there is a certain time of the month when you are normally in contraction. I haven’t tracked this yet, but have noticed that it has been during the full moon which coincides with my period. I plan to keep track of my contraction state via calendar.

This is part of honoring the feminine. Allow. Nurture. Connect within.

Please comment: This is a great opportunity to practice your own truth telling and self-reflection. Share your insights, your process if you have one that can help others go from contraction to expansion with ease, or simply your love!

Maybe it’s because I’m putting on an event called Sex, Money, Sisterhood and whenever I am committed to something, all my stuff comes up that needs to be cleared out.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling the collective shame story around money.

Whatever it is, I reached out to my friend Ben Saltzman to have a very vulnerable conversation about money and community.

On today’s Truth Telling Tuesday, Ben shares about an inspiring and moving event where everyone in the room experienced a new paradigm around money.

In response, I share my truth where I realized how much I am financially supporting other people and feeling burdened by it to the point of collapse yesterday (I don’t look like it, but I was shaking and near tears when I was speaking because it holds so much emotional charge for me). It has been such a blindspot for me that I didn’t even recognize the pattern, and it goes waaaaay back.

It has taken me all day to post this because of the weight of shame. I was afraid to put this out there. I had multiple conversations about my money shame and saw where I have been taking on being the martyr and suffering greatly for it. I’m scheduled for a money breakthrough session with Johanna, my business partner, to move through this … stay tuned to hear about my breakthrough.

What I realized is that no matter how much money you have, you may still be in scarcity and shame. It is pervasive. And the only way to move through it is to share it openly and start a community dialogue about it.

I’ve split the video into two parts. Part 1 is the story. Part 2 is Ben offering his program and creating an opportunity for you to experience this new way of doing business.

Part 2:

We’d LOVE your comments! This conversation is pivotal for humanity right now and we want to hear your thoughts. And if you like it, please share with your community on Facebook, Twitter and Email.

Do you feel like you are compromising yourself in order to please your partner?

Are you experiencing resentment toward your partner because you feel like you are giving too much?

Or if you are not in relationship but want one, are you afraid you have to give something up (like your purpose work) in order to have love?

If you are feeling any of these frustrations and want to have freedom and ease to be your full self-expression in your relationship, I highly recommend checking out my client Nicole Pallai Green.

While you may feel that it’s just not possible to have a family and be your full self-expression, Nicole will show you that you don’t have to give up your passion in order to make your relationship work.

Nicole is a masterful Non-Violent Communication facilitator who has coached and led workshops for over 4 years.

I interview Nicole (her first time on video camera, rock on sister!) about her story of going from being so sick that she couldn’t physically stand up at the grocery store to now putting on workshops and speaking on stage.

She inspires me in my relationship and I’m excited for you to meet her.

I remember when my mom used to say that I gave away my power and wasn’t “me” in my relationship. That I looked like I was trying to please my partner all the time. It was so affirming for me on Easter when she met John and said that she loves him because I’m myself around him.

There is a way to have relationship with others without compromise or resentment.

If you are in San Diego, join me on Wednesday May 8th, 7:00 – 9:00pm. Register at: nicolepallaigreen.com.

Truth Telling Tuesday videos are back in full force in May … stay tuned for some really powerful content!

Love,
Tanya

PS. Want mentoring put on a live event? I can guide you through the process soup to nuts from marketing copy to strategy to logistics like I did with Nicole. Apply today here.

Today has been one of those days for me.

I resisted it. I thought: how can I feel this way? I have everything I want and need right now:

I’m in love.
I have a booming business.
I’m healthy.
I feel the most supported that I’ve ever felt in my life by my family, my sisters, and now my brothers.
I’m in love.
People see me and say that I am radiating.

And yet, I woke up with anxiety and didn’t want to get out of bed.

I got up anyway, went to yoga, and came back to bed crying. I got cleared by one of my business partners and I gave myself permission to honor myself and be with my feelings.

So I watched Brene Brown on Super Soul Sunday and I had an a-ha when I heard:

“When we lose our tolerance to be vulnerable, joy becomes foreboding.”

Of course! I have been so joyful — the most joyful of my entire life — over the past few months.

And my ego whispers: this won’t last long.

Scarcity. Fear.

All stemming from that deep core wound of: I’m not enough. I’m not deserving.

When experiencing love, fear comes in.

When committing to something, everything else shows up to try to make you quit.

Some call it self-sabotaging behavior. Or upper limiting.

I call it the human condition.

The ego wants to keep us alone, separate and in fear.

Our soul wants to have us experience joy, be connected and live in love.

It comes down to a choice.

Love or fear?

This morning I had a choice.

I chose to get up, go to yoga, call support, and get myself out of my funk.

But I didn’t force. I allowed myself to feel the feelings and nurture myself with a little Super Soul Sunday in bed.

I am flowing and not pushing.

I am choosing to distinguish my story, distinguish my ego, distinguish my feelings and separate all that from who I am in the world. Awareness … Presence … Clarity …

Who I am is unconditional love for myself and others.

And over and over again, I have to choose love over fear.

It is a practice. And it does not come easy.

So today, I come to Truth Telling Tuesday feeling raw, vulnerable and humble.

Because I am human and I have my highs and lows and I don’t always feel like showing up.

And the bigger the game we play, the bigger the breakdowns. The bigger the resistance to showing up.

That’s when we lean in.

Today, I’m leaning in. I’ve been leaning in all week and it hasn’t been easy. And when I lean in, my world brightens again.

Things flowed this afternoon. I got my power back. I feel so alive.

So I turn this over to you. Because really, when I write about me, it’s not about me. I use myself as an example. I write to you, for you, to see something available for yourself.

When are you struggling to get out of bed?

Can you drop your guard and be vulnerable and admit when you are struggling?

I’ve found that when I am vulnerable, that’s when people connect with me the most. That’s what has been so powerful about Tribal Truth whether it is our women’s gatherings or Honoring The Masculine/Feminine: people drop their guard and share authentically and vulnerably.

And that’s what creates real community.

That’s what creates connection.

The human spirit emerges and intertwines.

Love is present. Peace occurs.

Do you see it? Can you feel it?

What’s your struggle?

Are you worried about money?

Are you challenged in a relationship?

Can you soften into the unknown and trust yourself enough to share what’s on your heart?

If it is scary, and you need the support, we are holding the space for you. Sometimes, we need to be in a safe, supportive environment to learn how to be vulnerable. We need community to reflect our greatness back at us so we can truly see our brilliance.

Today, I offer you a place to show up. To fully lean in. To take the risk to be vulnerable and see what happens in that moment of uncertainty.

I’ve found over and over again the pleasant surprise of it not being so scary in that most vulnerable moment. It’s kind of like sharing with my eyes shut real tight, hoping the person in front of me won’t slap me or run away and then opening my eyes and seeing that they are still there and either smiling or crying because I’ve touched their heart.

I’ve found the courage to keep being vulnerable. I’ve started to recognize that I am fully supported. I’ve learned that I am not alone.

And neither are you.

Two invitations to lean in with me and the community:

1- Sex, Money, Sisterhood.

To experience safety to speak about the two most taboo subjects and have a breakthrough in expressing yourself and being seen in a big way. That’s where the money lies; when you claim your power in your second chakra. This is the training for the feminine warrior to claim her power and get paid what she’s worth.

We have a fun rap-style video that is up for a few days on the page … we were joking around creating it in the Bay Area … and thought you’d get a kick out of it.

But seriously, I want you to be here in San Diego with me because this is some of the deepest work we women can do and it has brought up all my stuff in the co-creation of it with Johanna (I’ll save that for another email). Sisters, make it happen:

http://www.sexmoneysisterhood.com

2 – Honoring The Masculine-Feminine Workshop.

To experience the divine feminine and masculine within yourself — having that awareness and then learning how to express it and deeply connect with others. Most of us shy away from vulnerability because we don’t feel safe. What if you can create your own safety? We’ll be teaching methods to create safety for yourself and for others and then creating a space for deeper intimacy in community. This is going to be a deep dive immersion into the work … this is a must-attend event for anyone who is looking to claim their truth and express it in a powerful way in community and in the process, have more intimacy in all of your relationships.

http://www.honoringthemasculine.com

I’m so excited about what we’re offering. It is so powerful, so healing, so unifying. There is so much energy alive in Tribal Truth and I look forward to seeing you live and in person soon.

Love,

Tanya

Do you want to take your business to the next level?

You are probably thinking, “DUH. Of course I want to take my business to the next level of success.”
Well then I’ve got a not-so-secret solution for you: you’ve got to become more VISIBLE.
Put yourself out there.
Be seen and heard.
Take the risk.
Stop hiding out and stretch yourself in a way that will have you be a little more bold in putting your message out there in the world.
If you want to grow your business, you need sales.

In order to have more sales, you need to get in front of more people.

What better way to do that than having a LIVE EVENT?
If you want to make more impact and reach more people, I can’t think of a better way than bringing people into a room together for connection, transformation and experience.
You’ve been following Tribal Truth because you are a lightworker who wants a tribe behind your dream. You have a dream and you want to make it a reality. You want support in making a difference on this planet. You want people to receive your offering. You want to find your tribe and perhaps even create your own following.
For the past 3 years, I have built an international following through the live event model.
I know how to get people in a room.
I know how to give them a life-altering experience.
I know how to ask them to take action and continue on the path with me.

And I know that you may be scared of putting on your own live event because you don’t know how and you are afraid that no one will show up or if people do show up, you may screw it all up.
Am I right?
But secretly, do you see yourself in front of a room of people, leading them through a powerful experience that will have them buzzing about it and wanting to join you in a next step?
If you have been wanting to become more visible in the world and know you want to put on your own live events, then I have an opportunity for you.
I have created a program for only a couple people to work with me to create their own live event. Soup to nuts. Start to finish. Marketing, content, branding, sales and follow up. The whole sha-bang.

This is one of the best things you can do to take yourself to the next level, but you’ve got to be ready. It is not for everyone.

So if you are willing to claim your space on this planet and make a bigger difference in the world, hit REPLY to this email and we’ll have a conversation about how the live event model can skyrocket your business.

VISIBILITY is the #1 obstacle for most business owners.

Are you ready to become more visible and share your gift with the world in a bigger way?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,
Tanya

“Your dad works his butt off for us to have anything we want.”

These words had echoed through my head all through childhood and into my womanhood as I stepped into entrepreneurship.

I thought life was full of struggle. Darkness. Difficulties.

I thought I had to be like my dad in order to be successful: work hard, play hard.

I thought I had to prove myself and my legitimacy.

I thought I wasn’t deserving of all that the universe gave me.

Something shifted this month.

Maybe it was my intention for 2013 for INTEGRATION and CELEBRATION and ACCEPTANCE.

Maybe it was tapping into my heart’s desire.

Maybe it was simply that I got tired of working so frickin’ hard.

Maybe it was letting go of the pressure to perform and make a lot of money and just follow my bliss.

Whatever it was, I am no longer believing that life has to be a struggle.

And I’m standing for you to be in the FLOW with me.

You IN?

Then you’ll love today’s video:

SHARE your insights: Where are you in flow and where are things difficult in your life and business?

Ladies, join us at “Honoring The Masculine” Bay Area on Sunday March 24 and share this link with the men in your life:

== >> http://www.tribal-truth.com/divine-brotherhood

That’s how someone described Sunday night’s “Honoring The Masculine” event in San Diego.

For the first time in 3 years, Tribal Truth opened its doors to 57 men … 17 more than we had expected.

35+ women held space for the men to share “What does it mean to be a man today?”

The men revealed it all. They cried. They yelled. They swore.

They got excited. They got angry. They got passionate.

We heard from men in their 20s to men in their 70s. Every stage of development.

We heard about what it’s like to be a warrior, a lover, a king, a magician.

We honored them. We learned from them. We loved them.

It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, and I am so clear it is time for us to come together as ONE community and integrate the masculine and feminine within all of us.

In December, I went to a business retreat with some of the top coaches and trainers in the industry. In particular, I connected deeply with two men, one of whom I want to introduce you to today.

His name is Bill Baren.

I had heard about him in 2011 and jumped on his email list. Something struck me about him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. And then when I got the opportunity to sit down with him in December one on one, I told him my vision for bringing the men into Tribal Truth, and he got teary eyed.

I love when men allow themselves to be vulnerable and share their emotions.

This is a leader who embraces his feminine just as much as his masculine. This is a leader I want to collaborate with.

And that’s why he is the first man I am interviewing on Truth Telling Tuesday …

He invited me to his event coming up on March 22 – 24 and I immediately accepted, not even looking at my calendar. I know I can learn a lot from him. And so I am going based on trust and faith … and I’m inviting you to join me.

Tickets are normally $997 … however, he offered for our community to attend the 3 days for only $97. You can reserve your ticket here:

== >> http://bigshiftexperience.com/tanya

There are a lot of reasons to attend, but I want to highlight the biggest one:

This event is specifically designed to help you create BIG SHIFTS in your business and your life.

Because if you think about it, making small changes to your business will bring about equally small changes to your results.

If you’re interested in creating a very different future in 2013, then this has to happen by design, not by accident.

And that’s what the Big Shift Experience is designed to do, you’ll have the experience of creating big shifts in your impact, your income, your visibility, and simply stepping into a bigger version of YOU.

I know this event will help you exponentially expand your business skills AND shift the inner blocks that get in your way. So that you can say YES to your vision on a whole new level … and build the solid business to go with it.

To reserve your ticket, please visit this page:

http://bigshiftexperience.com/tanya

If you are on the fence, take a moment to meet Bill and really feel his energy in today’s Truth Telling Tuesday video here:

I love what he shares about the masculine and feminine. He fully integrates it. I look forward to learning from him next month.

Will I see you there?

Love,

Tanya

PS. There is a strong possibility we will be hosting a LIVE “Honoring The Masculine” event in the Bay Area that Sunday evening, March 24. Details are being firmed up as you read this … I’ll keep you posted, but it may be a REALLY special weekend to make your way to the Bay Area!

For the past 3 years, I have written to my sisters.

And over the course of this period, men have asked to be included. I was ambivalent. I said, “well, we won’t invite you but we won’t turn you away if you show up at the door.”

I felt like the protector creating safe space for women to be vulnerable with one another.

To be honest, I’m tired of being that structure. At Longdance in September, when the men held space for us women, I yearned for that type of support in Tribal Truth.

What if the men held the container and I could just simply show up and lead?

But something didn’t feel right about that either.

I had a little bit of victim/martyr energy around it that said, “I’m exhausted, come save me.”

It felt like old model. I’m tired of that conversation. I want real partnership.

As I prepare for Sunday’s Honoring The Masculine event, I have had numerous conversations about my relationship with the masculine.

I began to look honestly at some of my blocks and fears and how I’ve inherited a belief system that’s disempowering.

Here are a few disempowering conversations that I am giving voice to:

1. I want my knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and sweep me off my feet.

2. But when that knight shows up and sweeps me off my feet, I don’t really want to lose control. I want to be in control at the reins.

3. I don’t ask for what I need because most of the time, I’m afraid of being rejected. So I pretend I don’t know what I need.

4. I have a hard time saying no and then I regret it later. I get pissed at you but mainly at myself.

5. I lose my voice with men because I don’t think I can stand my ground. I will get out-argued. I will most likely lose.

6. I attract men who “need” me, feeding my “self-worth” because I get to play the martyr. Am I worthy of having a man support me in being a visionary leader in the world? Or am I just “too much”? It’s much safer being the one needed vs. being vulnerable in asking for support.

This is all my ego talking coming from the old model of fear and scarcity. Victim.

But when I sit back into divine surrender and celebrate the masculine, I think of all the amazing men in my life and all the amazing traits of the masculine.

I think about how my dad and brother were about to get on the first plane to NYC when my ex-boyfriend was threatening and abusive. All I needed to do was say COME.

I think about what an amazing father my brother is, doing everything he can to provide for his wife. Loving his 9 month old daughter so much.

I think about how many times I’ve asked men in my life to show up and help me with something — moving furniture or giving me a hand — and they drop everything to be there. Immediately.

I think about the beauty in the masculine — the structure, the results, the drive and determination, the courage, the physical strength. The loyalty. The love.

I think about how much I’ve relied on my own masculine to get where I am today.

And I realize that my 6 points above are bullshit. So I choose an empowering belief system:

TRUST

Trust the divine.
Trust myself.
Trust others.

ACCEPTANCE

Accept both the masculine and feminine within myself.
Accept men for who they are and who they are not.
Accept others for their differences.

LISTEN

For love. For unity. For connection.

The time is now to acknowledge the fear. To admit we don’t feel safe. To be ok with feeling hurt and wounded. It’s only when we can tell the truth about the fears that we can let go and create something new together.

I see the purpose of women gathering in circle is to fill our cup and connect. To find strength in our feminine power together. Once we are filled up, we can then serve.

But we cannot do it alone. We cannot leave our men behind. Now is the time to share our hearts with one another.

Now is the time for integration and unity.

I know … it is so hard to speak our truth, especially when we feel unsafe. But how can we create partnership with our men if we keep running away and avoid being seen and heard in our radiant beauty?

The change that we seek in the world will only come when we be with our fears, be with that which is so uncomfortable. To take action despite the danger and adversity.

This is the type of co-creative leadership that is so desperately needed in the world.

The question remains: are you willing to open and share your heart despite the risk?

If you are a YES, mark your name on the comments below. Share your insights. Let’s build this community!